Is it worth it?

I feel lost and lonely. My body aches and my head spins. Where are you? I need you. Save me from myself. I lie here wrapped around myself, longing for you here. I reach for the emptiness of the space beside me, your not there. I cry, the salty tears dripping down my cheeks and onto my pillow. My head fills with thoughts of you; my heart beats fast as I think about the way you kiss me and the way your skin feels. I long for you to hold me, to be near me, even if it’s just for a minute. The things I feel for you are unexplainable. My life feels incomplete without you in it. I don’t know what to do with myself, I stand up, I sit down.

I sometimes think, is this all worth it. I sometimes think are you worth it. Then I think about your smile, those eyes and your touch, the things that never leave me. And I know from that moment…

Yes its worth it.

You are worth it.

Why?

I was inspired to write this from watching Ellen Degeneres discussing the death of a young boy who was murdered.

I felt a pain sore through my head as one blow hit me, another one a second later. I lay on the ground, hands and feet punching me and kicking me. Abuse shouted in my face. Sneers and chants echoed my ears as an incredible surge of pain rushed through my stomach. I was blinded by my suffering, I could hear laughing and swearing, tears welled my eyes, I didn’t give them the satisfaction of seeing me weak. I lifted my self up only to be pushed back down. I lay lifeless as they continued to beat me, three or four of them laying into me. I could feel the blood trickling down my face, my head was heavy and my body pathetic, I wanted them to stop, I wanted to beg for them to stop but I didn’t have the strength. It began to rain, the cold droplets of water hitting my face, it felt nice, different, almost refreshing, making me forget for a second. One last course of agony soared through my stomach, it was an unfamiliar feeling, I opened my eyes to see the smirks on the faces of my attackers, this pain I was feeling was excruciating, I grabbed my stomach and looked at my hands, blood covered them, I closed my eyes again to hear the whispers and sniggers before them running off, leaving me there. Thoughts of my past and my family filled my head as I knew my time was running out, I knew this was it. My head began to spin and my body began to become heavy, I could feel myself slowly giving up. One last question entered my head before I went. Why me?

I knew exactly why.

I was GAY that’s why!

Her

Thats her there. Right there. Do you see? Yes its her, her deep dark hair, those piercing blue eyes, she looks over to me and smiles, which lights up the room completely, her teeth so white, I smile back, willing her to know how much I want her, need her, I want to touch her and make her feel good, I want to give her as much pleasure as I can, make her feel like shes never felt before, I want to caress her face and kiss her cheek, she looks away and then looks back, like shes trying to see what I'm thinking, if only she knew, if only she could see how I feel, my feelings for her are so strong I could explode, she then continued to write, her long dark fell in front of her face, her soft hand wrapped around her pencil, she looked again and smiled, my heart began beating, faster than ever before, practically beating out of my chest, she makes me want to cry I want her so much.

She talked to the girl opposite, her soft lips moving, I longed to kiss them, I wanted to feel them on my face, my neck, my body, if only she know what I wanted to do to her, my mind filled with images of her naked body, touching her, kissing her, licking her everywhere. She stood up and began to walk over to me, my heart stopped, my palms became sweaty and my mouth dry.

I gulped hard, she stood in front of me, I looked up at her, into those enchanting crystal blue eyes, she smiled again, she held out her hand, I took it, she pulled me away from my table, we walked out of college and into the street, she didnt speak, neither did I, we walked for what seemed like forever, we eventually stopped outside a small detached house, she let go of my hand and pulled out a key, she opened the door and led me inside.

She turned to me again and smiled, she grabbed my hand again and took me up some stairs, her hands were so soft, my heart was beating so hard, I thought for a second it was going to pound out of my chest and burst through my t-shirt. She stopped outside a room, her room, she pushed the handle down and opened the door, she went in and I followed, I shut it behind me and leaned against it, she walked towards me, my breathing heightened, I swallowed hard as she stood close to me, her face inches away from mine, she looked into my eyes, she rested her warm hand on my face, she traced my lips with the tip of her finger, she smiled, she edged closer, and finally the moment I had been waiting for, she kissed me.

What A Difference

This piece means a lot to me, I wrote it when I was going through a tough time in my life. Again it needs a little work.

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I step out into the clear fresh air, the sun beating against my face, the soft grass beneath my bare feet, I lay my checked blanket on the grass, I lay myself upon it and closed my eyes, I listened to the sweet songs from the birds singing, the gentle breeze rustling the leaves on the tall trees.

I open my eyes and look up at the clear blue sky, the fluffy clouds floating across the sky, beautifully coloured butterflies fluttering in the air, not a sound from passing cars or any sort of conversation, just the sounds of butterflies wings and the songs from the birds, the stunning sights of daffodils and bluebells making their way into the world, bamboo shoots and ivy climbing the walls, scents from plants making honey for the bee's, clean cut grass and clean air

I step out onto the gravelly ground, stepping on bullet shells as I went, by passing limbs as I run through the polluted air, the sound of explosions and gun shots soaring through my ears, the smell of rotting bodies and smoke mingles in the air escaping up my nose, sweat dripping down my face, men screaming in pain as they have arms and legs blown off.

The adrenalin pumping through my veins at the thought of me living through another day, my gun in my hands ready to fight for my country, an image of my wife and daughter imbedded into my brain, wishing and hoping I was with them, I look proudly at my identity tag, tears in my eyes as I knew I would be home soon, a pain ripped through my shoulder, I fell to the ground, blood seeping from my wound, my heart begins to slow down, my eye lids dropping

What kind of world do you think we live in?

I Chose This Life

I wrote this piece when I was still at college, I was 17 years old when I wrote this. It needs a bit of work and I'm hoping to use this piece as my University Dissertation next year.

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I see my reflection in the mirror, my face caked in make up, my true personality hiding behind the mountains of mascara and blusher, I look at the picture on my dressing table, the old me, the me who once was someone to be proud of, the me who had dreams and ambitions, the me who used to feel happy when I woke up in the morning.

I looked at my flimsy outfit hanging on the hook, I scowled, feeling so ashamed and disappointed in myself, knowing that this is my life now and nothing will ever change, knowing that I won't be saved from myself.

I took one last look in the mirror, knowing that this was the last time I was to ever look at myself again.

I went over to the fake leather underwear and pulled them on, I looked down at myself and hung my head, I was so humiliated at what I had become, the monster that I had created, I took a deep breath and waited for them to call my name, I climbed the stairs that led to my hell, I hear the leers of the men in the audience, my name was called, I plastered a fake smile on my face and stepped out, the hot lights shining onto my face, I looked at the pole I called my life, walked towards it, I took a look at the sea of faces that drooled over me, pervy bastards, I thought, but who am I to criticize, I chose this life.

I swallowed hard and wrapped hands around the hard cold metal, my fake painted fingernails hitting off it, my right leg first, then the left, my heart beating so fast, as I danced around the chuck of metal, I could hear the crowd cheering, every night I wish for the two hours to be over, so I can go to my filthy bed sit and kiss my son goodnight, I say to him, please forgive me someday.

The sleazy music polluted my ears, I tried so hard to block out the noise of the crowd, it was impossible, I moved away from the pole and headed for the first man holding out money, I look away as I climb onto his lap, his sweaty hands running their way up and down my body, he was so disgusting, I shut my eyes and prayed for it to finish, he pushed two fifty pound notes into my pants and pushed me off.

I was finally back at home, I watched my son sleeping in his cot, his small hands clasping his favourite teddy bear, I kissed his forehead and whispered, I'm so sorry and I love you. I reached for the clear bottle on the side of my table, I removed the lid and brought the bottle to my lips, the clear liquid burned my throat, I grabbed the pills from the bathroom cabinet, opened the bottle and emptied the capsules into my hand, I put the little pink pills into my mouth, one by one, with each swig I could feel my body giving up, my eyes drooped, my head started to spin, I dropped the bottles and lay down, a million thoughts entered my head as I lay there waiting for my life to end.

I had to do this, it was the only way.

My Greatest Inspiration

I'm opening this blog to show my talent of writing, I want to show people my talent and maybe get my work out there.

I'd like my creative writing to be noticed. My writing needs a little work. Check it out. Enjoy

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My Life In A Nutshell

Carly. 20. Newcastle. Film Student.

Emma. Music. Food. Writing. Singing. Dancing. 90's Music. Ipod. Long Talks. Comfortable Silences. Milky Bar Yogurts. Films. Lady Gaga. Facebook. Beaches. Best Friends. Clubbing. Stupid Comments. Football. Gigs. Sleep. All Nighters. Laughing Till It Hurts. Rare Steak. Anastacia. Television. Cuddles. Kisses. Archers And Lemonade. My Nanna. Dimples. Red Hair. Nicole Scherzinger. Spanish Accents. Los Angeles. Memories. Friends. Love. Hate. Peace. Summer. Sex. Notes. University. Youtube. Red. Posters. Women. Cheryl Cole. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Florence Welsh. Silly Clothes. Biker Boots. Converse. Randomness. Lezza. Come Dine With Me. Guitars. Roselyn Sanchez. MSN. Photographs. Lucozade. Holidays. Singstar. Long Walks. New York. Dirty Dancing. Sarah Shahi. The L Word. Pepsi. London. Graffiti. I Cant Think Straight. Lazy Days. Student Life. Cheeky Smiles. Blue Eyes. Gay Men. Drag Queens. Little Monsters. Megan Fox. 50's.Disney. Batman. Michael Jackson. Being A Freak. Noisettes. Pictures. Determination. Erotica. Foreign Movies. Ambitions. Dreams. Penelope Cruz. Desperate Housewives. 60's. Nintendo DS. Mobile Phone. Ex Girlfriends. Darkness. Messy Bedrooms. Getting High. Meaningful Songs. Poetry. Literature. Status Updates. Learning. Coleslaw. GLEE. Sunglasses. Marilyn Monroe. Supernanny. Cigarettes. Rock And Roll. Birkenstocks. Vodka Redbull. Coca Cola. Irn Bru. Frosties. Screaming. Lust. Girlfriends. Boyfriends. Sillyness. Scary Stories. Sleepovers. Alton Towers. Cyprus. Formspring. Bad Romance. FREEDOM.

My Inspiration

The Almighty Lady Gaga has some what influenced my life to show who I really am and she has given me the drive to be true to who I am and show the world what I am and to make a difference to the world through what I truly love the most. she's an amazing artist that has taken over the world with what she's incredible at and she has influenced so many people with her songs and she's who I aspire to be .