I Chose This Life

I wrote this piece when I was still at college, I was 17 years old when I wrote this. It needs a bit of work and I'm hoping to use this piece as my University Dissertation next year.

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I see my reflection in the mirror, my face caked in make up, my true personality hiding behind the mountains of mascara and blusher, I look at the picture on my dressing table, the old me, the me who once was someone to be proud of, the me who had dreams and ambitions, the me who used to feel happy when I woke up in the morning.

I looked at my flimsy outfit hanging on the hook, I scowled, feeling so ashamed and disappointed in myself, knowing that this is my life now and nothing will ever change, knowing that I won't be saved from myself.

I took one last look in the mirror, knowing that this was the last time I was to ever look at myself again.

I went over to the fake leather underwear and pulled them on, I looked down at myself and hung my head, I was so humiliated at what I had become, the monster that I had created, I took a deep breath and waited for them to call my name, I climbed the stairs that led to my hell, I hear the leers of the men in the audience, my name was called, I plastered a fake smile on my face and stepped out, the hot lights shining onto my face, I looked at the pole I called my life, walked towards it, I took a look at the sea of faces that drooled over me, pervy bastards, I thought, but who am I to criticize, I chose this life.

I swallowed hard and wrapped hands around the hard cold metal, my fake painted fingernails hitting off it, my right leg first, then the left, my heart beating so fast, as I danced around the chuck of metal, I could hear the crowd cheering, every night I wish for the two hours to be over, so I can go to my filthy bed sit and kiss my son goodnight, I say to him, please forgive me someday.

The sleazy music polluted my ears, I tried so hard to block out the noise of the crowd, it was impossible, I moved away from the pole and headed for the first man holding out money, I look away as I climb onto his lap, his sweaty hands running their way up and down my body, he was so disgusting, I shut my eyes and prayed for it to finish, he pushed two fifty pound notes into my pants and pushed me off.

I was finally back at home, I watched my son sleeping in his cot, his small hands clasping his favourite teddy bear, I kissed his forehead and whispered, I'm so sorry and I love you. I reached for the clear bottle on the side of my table, I removed the lid and brought the bottle to my lips, the clear liquid burned my throat, I grabbed the pills from the bathroom cabinet, opened the bottle and emptied the capsules into my hand, I put the little pink pills into my mouth, one by one, with each swig I could feel my body giving up, my eyes drooped, my head started to spin, I dropped the bottles and lay down, a million thoughts entered my head as I lay there waiting for my life to end.

I had to do this, it was the only way.